Remembering Lily
by hufflepuff-hippie
Summary: A jily fanfic based off my favorite move as a kid: Anastasia. I wrote it for fun because it's jily october on tumblr! Complete.


_Wrote this for fun. This is a one-shot based off the movie Anastasia...but written for our favorite couple, because it's Jily October and something I think we all need to be doing is..._

**Remembering Lily**

My red hair whipped against my face as I spun to take down a wall blocking my path to the next building. There were screams coming from inside and dark menacing laughter. Someone was likely being tortured and I tried my hardest to find whoever was screaming. The Death Eaters were out in full force today; intelligence told us they were recruiting which meant a lot of people were in danger. I was always in the mood to kick Death Eater arse and today was no difference.

The burning building on the east side of London was surprising because The Order of the Pheonix had no record of any magical folk living or working here. The only person I knew that could be back on East End was James—but I highly doubted he'd be here. I hoped to Merlin he wasn't here…

I stepped across the threshold into the new building, smoke being lit up with flashes of colored light. I could hear fire engines not too far off in the distance. The muggles wouldn't be able to dismiss this as anything other than a gas leak. We magical folk knew better.

This is what I had wanted to do since the rumours of the war had been floating around Hogwarts my seventh year. I wanted to fight and bring down Dark Wizards threatening genocide of my kind of magical—muggle born. My parents were non-magical folk, my sister couldn't do magic worth a damn. I wrapped my hand tighter around my wand and yelled charms right and left trying to subdue the flames that were swallowing up businesses and flats. I was magic but according to the wizards I was fighting, I wasn't worth more than a sickle.

Albus Dumbledore, the leader of the Order of The Phoenix and my close friend, had told me he was personally happy I'd come along when I had. Albus claimed I had something the war needed, Albus made me believe I was special. The necklace Albus had given me for my birthday with our symbol the phoenix circling a round trinket that said '_London'_ bounced off my chest as I passed Frank Longbottom who was checking the identity of a fallen victim.

We had to be in the main hallway of the building and to my left there was an old elevator burning and smoking. I waved my wand high over my head, clearing the smoke from the building, allowing everyone in the area to breathe. I glanced around for the second member of our team but Alice Rogers was nowhere to be found. I assumed she was out front, trying to ward the muggle police to the next building over so we'd have time to find our men and get out without being found.

"They're looking for someone Lily," Frank warned me as I passed him, "The building is collapsing, Alice is checking the parameter. We need to leave."

"There's a man!" I said to Frank, just as I spotted a man in a dark traveling cloak running across the adjacent hall. I rushed to stop him when a raven-haired boy pulled me back and started going after the Death Eater himself.

I recognized him from just months before and stood in the hallway staring, astonished, after his retreating form. James. My heart dropped to my stomach and butterflies formed, making me go lightheaded. Merlin knew he'd been angry enough when-I didn't know much about James anymore, that was certain. I set my jaw and chased after his retreating form, fists clenched.

"Potter!" my livid voice called after the messy haired boy, "Get out of here!"

The Death Eater that James had been chasing was shooting spells back at James who in turn was dodging them or blocking them. I caught up to the pair as James cornered the Death Eater into a back wall, wand drawn. The Death Eater sent a stunning spell at James who dodged it and knocked me backwards. I stumbled before regaining my footing to stun the death eater. James pulled at my arm so I was thrown against the wall as the Death Eater charged at us. More people came running down the hallway towards us, yelling at us to get out. I sent James a look for the first time in months, our eyes met momentarily, it was seconds, only seconds I broke concentration to look at him again.

I hadn't expected to ever look into his hazel eyes this close ever again.

Someone yanked me off my feet, arm around throat, choking me. I snarled and clawed at the person that held my captive. My wand dropped to the floor and James grabbed it as it rolled to him, but his eyes never left the Death Eater. The Death Eater motioned at James and spoke in a clear female voice with a strange accent I couldn't place.

"Come on Potter," she said, "Join and she lives."

James looked torn up as I struggled to escape my captor who held a wand to my cheek with her free hand. I could hear her breathing heavily in my ear. James reached up with his wand aimed just as the sound cracking came from above.

"Get out!" I heard someone behind James shout, "Get out now!"

Above us the ceiling was cracking and beams started to fall all over the place, in fear of her life the death eater started to try and dissaperate with me in tow. I screamed as a burning beam hit my head and scorching heat touched my neck. The pain was blinding and I was seeing white light and stars in my head. I could no longer see James. A feeling of great pressure was forced upon my body. I felt the Death Eater let go and the feeling the pressure on my body was relieved but the blankness of the pain in my head didn't…

_Scenes change and now I was standing watching the building burn. My feet carried me to the doorframe, feeling the thick smoky air abduct my breathing capability. I pulled out a long stick, and pointed it into the thick black air, whispering a foreign word._

The scene, it fades like a movie on the telly would fade after it was over. The memories did nothing for me anymore though. Maybe I was insane. Maybe jumping into burning buildings was completely normal for me in my past life. Maybe I thought I was invincible. Madame Williams said I was an idiot for jumping into the fire. I touched my head where my crimson colored hair had grown back from the burns from whatever fire I had been in.

Evidently, Mistress Williams of Café Leben had found me wandering the streets burned, battered, and broken. Mistress had taken me in to work for her Café but she treated me like a servant and hardly never paid me my dues. I wanted to leave France. I wanted to travel. I didn't want to waitress. The only problem was, I have no clue who I really am.

When Mistress Williams had found me I didn't know who I was, or where I was from. My outerwear had been inscribed with my initials on the collar LE. Mistress Williams called me Lis. When she found me she asked me my name and all I could get out was garbled English. She taught me French and I picked up the rest living in the Café since she'd found me. I thought it fit all right even if I longed to know my real name. I stared at the streets that lay in front of me wondering what the "E" in my initials stood for.

The only hope I had was the charm I kept tucked away from Madame in my pocket. I knew someone in London knew who I was because I had also been holding a round, small, disk that had the word _'London'_ printed on it. It was the only piece of my past I had. It looked like the round charm had been attached too something else, but it had broken off leaving one side ragged looking.

I sighed as I sat at the gates, preparing to go, runaway from Madame. I needed to find my family. I needed it like a flower needed water. I planned on going to Paris to somehow get a ride to London and I was going to find the person who gave me the small disk I had tucked away in my pocket.

If I left Madame, I'd most certainly be alone, but if I stayed I'd never know who I was or where I belonged. If I even belonged anywhere. I'd be Lis the orphan waitress forever. With one last look back at the grubby old café, I entered my new life, to find my old life.

**~~~Did You Forget Everything We Ever Had~~~**

I was cold, hungry, and wet as I entered the Alberts Tavern looking for help to get out of the country. I should have never left the café. I'd walked for two days and no one had been able to help me find a way to get to London. The ships to England were too expensive and I only had the little wage I earned as Madame Williams' waitress.

I wondered if Madame was looking at me and then remembered she had often threatened she could replace me any time she liked. I was sure she'd probably found some new girl to annoy. I sighed and fell into a seat near the windows, wondering how on earth I was going to do this. I pushed back my bangs and glanced up, only to connect eyes with a man.

This man was staring at me like I had answered his prayers. The man had messy black hair and hazel eyes that were framed by thick black glasses. There was a boy next to him that was tall, dark, and handsome and he was also looking at me in shock. Just then the bespectacled boy got up and began to head towards me one step, two, a third step. He seemed hesitant and I retracted in my seat. Finally, he stopped in front of my table. He was still staring like he'd never seen anything like me.

"_Voulez-vous s'il vous plaît arrêter?"_ I asked, tinge of annoyance on my voice.

He now looked even more confused. I remained cautious and repeated my plea for him to stop staring. "Sorry, sorry." He was British. Of all of the things from my past, that was one thing I remembered. I was comfortable speaking English, more comfortable than speaking French. He apologized, turning to his partner, a long haired man with grey eyes, "_Parlez-vous anglais_?" he asked me, sitting down across from me, looking hungry for answers.

I eyed him, my dislike for him growing, "Yes." I answered in English, a soft hint of the French accent sticking to my syllables.

"Lily?" He spoke, eyes scanning me up and down keenly.

I stood up quickly, why had he called me that? "Lis." I corrected him quickly, "What do you want?"

The boy made a twisted expression.

"Lis." I said it slowly for him as his made sent a look at his longhaired mate still sitting at their table across the way.

I remained standing, ready to bolt. I did not like dealing with strange men, especially strange men who stared at me like I was theirs.

"You look a little lost?"

Just because I didn't trust them, didn't mean I couldn't get some answers. This boy looked like a traveler in his worn clothes. "Yes, I'd like to go to London."

The black haired boy now looked at me like I was an angel sent from heaven and his mate looked just wary, "You'd like to go to London?" he repeated, as if wanting to check to make sure he was listening properly.

I nodded, "I'm looking for my family." I hoped to earth I hadn't made a mistake in telling this man that.

"Now, let me ask you something, Lil-Lis, is there a last name that goes with that?" he stared me down, expecting me to say yes, probably.

"Actually," I frowned miserably and touching my forehead, "I don't have a last name. I'm an orphan..." I wasn't about to tell them my whole story.

"Really?" the black haired boy looked intrigued as he held out his hand, "I'm James Potter, and this is my mate, Sirius Black." Sirius stood up, hearing his name, walking over with caution. "We're from London and we were just about to head back—only we were waiting for someone. This someone." He held up the photo to me of a red headed and green-eyed girl that looked almost exactly like me. I personally thought she was loads prettier and when I looked closer…

"Is that picture mov—"

James shoved the picture back in his pocket and wrapped a hand around my shoulders. "We are going to reunite Lily Evans with her friend and mentor Albus Dumbledore—surly you've heard of Albus Dumbledore?"

I shook my head, "No, who is that?"

James paused and looked at me, then looked around at our surroundings, then back to me. I glanced around too and finally got a good look at the pub I had wandered into. Men and women sat around us and they were dressed in funny cloaks, wearing hats of all sizes, it looked almost like they were all playing dress up for Hallows Eve. I furrowed my eyebrows together when I saw what appeared to be a short and stout elfish looking thing serving tea to a man playing with a stick. I backed into the wall, taking in this scene with great shock.

Where had I found myself? I clutched my heart and glanced at James who was looking at me, really looking at me for the first time.

"You don't belong here do you?" he whispered.

The friend of James looked worried, "Was the muggle security breached?" he asked in a hushed tone, "Should we warn the bartender?"

"The what?" I asked out of interest, "What is that _thing_ serving tea?"

James Potter pursed his lips, standing up from the table and coming to stand by me, "You don't know anything about witches and wizards do you?" His hazel eyes saw right through my surprise.

"Prongs," Sirius grabbed James' arm, "Let's leave. We've wasted enough time…"

James ripped his arm from Sirius' grasp and came closer to me, eyes shocked, "You are a witch aren't you? Or a squib?"

"I—I—" I was unable to form words. My eyes had connected to a stick in Sirius Black's hand. I'd had a stick like that in my memories. I'd had my hand wrapped around it and said funny words. Was this stick a connection to my past? "I don't know." I finally said, "I lost my memories."

"Memory charm." James hissed, removing his hand, which had been placed on my shoulder.

I felt like I was going mad. James glanced at his friend and they shared a hard long stare. I swallowed, my brain rushing and hurting as I watched what appeared to be a hag enter the Tavern and sit down close to our spot. Where had I found myself?

"Where am I?" I asked the boys. They weren't listening to me

"Are they reversible?" James asked his friend.

"Memory charms?" Sirius shrugged, "but they are detectable. I remember learning something about it in Defense Against The Dark Arts."

"What's going on?" I finally said louder, a woman close to us glanced around with a stern face.

The boys took my arms and led me over to their abandoned table. James slid into the booth first, pulling my down with him.

James spoke quickly, "The girl we're looking for, Lily... We heard a rumour the person who took her came to France…so we came to France."

"You know she does kind of resemble her." Sirius Black winked at me, sitting me down at the table and making it so that I was squished in-between both of them.

"The same green eyes," James murmured, staring into my eyes and making me blush.

"The same age, the same physical type…" Sirius Black eyed me closely like he was able to memorize every freckle.

I got out of their grip, "Are you trying to tell me that you think I am this Lily Evans person?" I was finding these two men to be unbelievable. I think they might be more insane than me and I was seeing little elves deliver tea.

"All we're trying to tell you is we knew Lily Evans and not anyone looks as much like her as you." Sirius answered.

"I knew you were crazy from the start," I pushed at Sirius' body to let me out of the booth. He moved and stood up out of my way.

I started to scoot out from the booth.

"Why?" James Potter grabbed my arm, "You don't know what happened to you."

"No one knows what happened to her." Sirius Black stated, but I saw him send a meaningful glance at James.

I jumped up, frustrated that I was even listening to two nutcases talking about wizards and magic and a man looking for a lost girl. James jumped up from the booth too and stopped me in my tracks when his hazel eyes caught my look of complete and utter annoyance. A half smile appeared on his once serious face.

James added slowly now, calculating, "You are looking for family in London." He was so close to my face now it was unnerving, "and her only thing _close_ to family is in London." I tore my eyes away from him and stared at the table.

"I really wish we could help." Sirius Black drew back James from where I was standing, staring anywhere but at James, "but we can only take Lily Evans back to London. Good luck on your future endeavors."

I needed to go to London, and this was one way of getting to London free, and maybe along the way I could find out who I was and where I was supposed to be. So what if these men only wanted Lily Evans? If I couldn't remember who I was then who was to say that I'm not actually this Lily Evans girl? We have the same initials and looked similar. Hope fluttered inside of me. If I'm not Lily Evans, Albus Dumbledore will know right away and it would all just be an honest mistake! If I am Lily Evans then I will finally know who I am and where I come from!

I spun to stop the two men from walking out of my life forever, "Wait!" they stopped in unison and turned with similar facial expressions, "I'll go with you to London."

**~~~ no longer dying inside, I will not let you define, everything that I am, by the one thing I don't have, because I'm more than that~~~**

"So why are we taking a train?" I asked, staring at the train as smoke filtered out of the stack and a whistle sounded to board, "if you two can do magic, couldn't you just poof me someplace?"

"Well..." Sirius said uneasily, as he hefted up the one suitcase we had, "James and I aren't exactly great performers at side along apparition so…"

Something in Sirius' tone made me believe he was lying about something. I didn't still entirely trust these boys but they were my ticket to my family. I hoped. I was traveling with men who said they were wizards.

"Sirius and I specialize in transfiguration." James told me as we found a compartment where I sat down in a soft velvet seat, "Unlike Lily Evans, she specializes in charms."

"Charms?" I spoke.

James nodded, pulling out the magic stick, the wand. His wand was long, swishy, and he glanced to make sure no one was around before he waved it. If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed when he turned the air around us into a thousand colors with colored smoke that erupted from the tip of the wand. My mouth was wide open.

"Lily Evans was a witch." James explained, waving his wand and the colored smoke disappeared, "She could do magic." He stared at me in disappointment for a moment.

James stared at me with a look I couldn't place; in fact he always looked at me that way when he thought I wasn't looking. It annoyed me to the point of my face turning red and having to hold back the impulse to yell at him. James cleared his throat when Sirius got up to go to the bathroom. I glanced back up and saw he was still staring.

"Stop staring." I snapped, "Honestly, what is wrong with you?"

"Look," he said, switching seats so he was sitting beside me with his eyes staring into mine, "I think we got off on the wrong foot."

"Well, I think we did too." I smiled, transpired by the sudden attention, "but I appreciate your apology."

His eyebrows raised, "Excuse me? Who said anything about an apology? I was just saying that-"

"Look," I leaned in, not liking this man more and more as he tried to flatter me, "Just don't talk anymore it's only going to upset me."

He stared at me, "Fine. I'll be quiet."

"Good." I mad a point to huff and cross my arms indignantly.

"Great." But he still stared at me.

"but why are you staring at me?" I complained, lying back in the seat.

His hazel eyes, always so mischievous, became devious, "What's that? You're talking?"

"No." I crossed my arms again, and turned my back to him. "_Votre tel un idiot ennuyant._"

"You're talking." He spoke again, taunting, also leaning back and pulling out his wand, making more colorful smoke figures that danced in front of my vision.

I wanted to slap him, "I was just saying how happy I was being with you." I said sarcastically with narrowed eyes.

"Oh please." He rolled his eyes, turning away from me again.

"Well, this looks inviting." Sirius grinned, as he entered the silent compartment, "Why are we not talking?"

"hmph." I made a noise and went to the bathroom.

But not before I heard Sirius implore, "Do you like her or something? She's not Lily, James. When are you going to get it through your thick head? She's dead."

"Sirius." James implored, "Shut it!"

I'm not Lily. Lily's dead.

If they thought Lily was dead why were they doing this? Did James want to bring back a new Lily? Was he hoping I could just become this dead girl? Or was she still out there somewhere hoping like I had that someone was looking for her? So maybe that's why James had been staring…Sirius made it sound like James had once fancied the red haired girl in the picture. The bigger question was that if Lily had returned his feelings, was I supposed to act like her? Or me?

Sirius also said I wasn't Lily. Sirius didn't think I was she but I wondered how well the two had known her. They also made it sound like only Dumbledore would know for a fact if I were Lily Evans.

I went back to the cabin a little while later, mind rested after ripping paper towels envisioning James Potters face on them. Both the boys were missing and I figured they had gone to the bathroom again or something so I threw a blanket over me and closed my eyes. That's when I heard the first scream.

"Death Eaters!" it was a woman voice that was cut short by another scream.

The door to my compartment flew open and James ran in, grabbed my hand and pulled me into the hallway where people were flocking to see what the hubbub was about. Sirius appeared, holding onto what appeared to be his own wand for dear life. Ahead of us people screamed to move and another voice was shouting words I heard in my dreams at night. My blood ran cold and I knew we were in trouble.

"We've got to get out of here." Sirius exclaimed, "What if one of the Death Eaters gets you James?"

"They haven't gotten me yet." James snarled, his eyes dark and foreboding.

"A Death Eater?" I questioned, "What on earth is that?"

"A dark wizard," James answered, pulling on my arm, "Come on; we need to get off this train!"

James and Sirius pulled me opposite the flow of people, and we found ourselves in the baggage car. People's bags and suitcases were lined against the wall and large boxes were stacked in the middle of the car. James opened up the car door and a wind tunnel was formed making my hair swirl around my face as James stared out at the barren landscape. The train lurched and I screamed from shock as I dropped to the floor of the train compartment.

"What was that?" James shouted above the wind.

"The train is slowing down!" Sirius shouted hopefully.

"I found them!" A voice shouted and the door to our secret hiding place flung open, "Gregory! In here!"

"_Oh_!" I exclaimed, "Why are they after us?"

"Breathe," James snorted beside me, glaring as the men advanced slowly foreword, "They're after me."

There were two of them, dressed in black robes. James pushed me and pulled out his wand just as the first man who entered jumped forwards to grab me. I shouted out in alarm and thrust out my hand, which hit dead contact with his large nose. The balding man squealed like a pig and grabbed his face as blood poured out of it. He wiped the blood from his nose, splattering it to the floor, before going at me again.

Sirius appeared out of nowhere and pointed his wand at the man, blowing him backwards. Sirius pulled at my hand, trying to get me to move with him. A new man appeared, wearing a billowing cloak the color of molten lava. His small eyes spotted Sirius and I standing there which made him started going for us. Sirius waved his wand but had to doge an oncoming color of light that missed me by an inch. The man reached out, my eyes widened; suddenly fearful he would grab me and hurt me. The man tackled me to the floor and I struggled underneath him. Trying to push his wand away from my body. If I knew anything, it was that I didn't trust magic from these people.

"They're after her!" Sirius shouted at James who noticed I was wrestling with the man on the floor of the car. "They're after Lis!"

I shouted at the dark wizard who was trying to get direct aim at my head with his wand, "_Obtenir de moi_!"

It wasn't working. Sirius and James were fighting their men. I needed to help myself. The man brought his wand tip to my temple and in a fit of desperation I screamed.

I raised my free hand and then suddenly shouted "_Exspelliarmus_!" not knowing where on earth I knew that word from but all of a sudden the man was thrown back off me and his wand went flying away from him. Had I just done magic?

Without pausing to stop and think, I rolled on my stomach and reached for the wand before it rolled away and pointed it around me. My attacker was passed out on the floor from whatever I had done. I searched for James and Sirius and fought them fighting one man with each other. The man was getting James to inch closer and colder to the open door of the baggage compartment. I saw James glance behind quickly, worry etched on his face.

Sirius dove towards me in an attempt to escape a blue colored light from the wand of the man they were fighting. James was holding onto the door that showed a rushing countryside just waiting for him to fall into. I wasn't so sure James could make a fall like that and I raced to help him. The man they were fighting was bald and ugly with wrinkles that would've put Madame Williams to shame.

I knocked into him with my shoulder, pushing him and kicking him, poking him with my stolen wand. I serves as enough of a distraction that James pointed his wand at the man who turned to attack me, knocking him to the floor.

The bald man lay unconscious on the ground, I looked pointedly at James, "And to think that could have been you."

"Remind me to thank you, later." He raced forward to grab my hand, which I unanticipated and jumped at his direct touch.

Sirius came up to my other side, also grabbing my hand with the wand in it, locking the piece of wood in-between out fingers. We were facing the countryside that was racing past us in colorful blurs. My heart jumped in my throat.

"We're jumping before he wakes up and more of them come!" James shouted, "Ready?"

"No!" I screeched but Sirius and James pulled me along.

First it was all air, like I was flying, then we touched the ground and our bodies tumbled and rolled in the grass and I think my head got hit even worse than when the beam fell on it after I went running into that burning building in my dreams. Finally my body stopped tumbling down the embankment, and I rolled onto some else. James' scorching breath was on my neck and his arm had found it's way around my waist making me go red with embarrassment.

"Fuck." He moaned, face in my neck.

"_Descendez-moi_!" I pushed at him, quickly trying to rid myself of the situation I was in.

James retracted himself from my person, allowing me to finally breathe again. I lay there in the dirt, trying not to imagine the bruises that would appear from that tumble later. I searched for Sirius with my eyes but could not locate him. I didn't think I could stand up.

"I think I just got hit in the head by the train." James moaned.

"That was my knee mate." Sirius moaned not too far off on my left, "Definitely my knee."

"Remind me never to take the train again." James muttered, sitting up beside me

I slowly sat up, fingering my head daintily. I winced when I felt a particularly tender spot on the back of my scalp. James looked over at me as I fingered for more possibly bruises, "Did you know those two Lis?"

I shook my head, trying to get past the ringing in my ears "No," I answered, "who are they?"

Sirius stood up, stretching and groaning as he spoke, "They're from the same band of wizards that kil-took Lily Evans."

I frowned, "Why?"

James stood up suddenly and said angrily, "I'm gonna go walk around and try and find a place to stay."

I watched him go in confusion. I glanced at Sirius who was nursing his knee and wincing.

"Why?"

Sirius turned so he was facing me and frowned considerably, "Those men were Death Eaters, They work for a Dark Wizard who is running a raging war in England…Lily Evans disappeared a few years back fighting against them. Albus Dumbledore thinks she's still alive." Sirius sighed and thrust his thumb in the retreating form of James, "James was there and saw her disappear by side-along apparition but no one had heard from her since."

"But why were they after her?" I implored, "Why didn't you tell me the girl you think I am is wanted by men like that?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, "If you're truly Lily Evans you would be able to answer that question yourself. No one knew why Lily stayed to fight in the war. She _was_ muggleborn."

"Muggle-what?" I pushed back my red hair, trying to get rid of the tangles.

"Muggles are non-magic folk…" Sirius then eyed the wand at my side, the one I'd stolen from the man, "Something you aren't." he pointed to the wand, "I was there, you said a spell, got the wand off that Death Eater. You're a witch."

I shook my head, "I don't know how I did that though." I huffed, "I don't even remember what I did."

"I'm not sure," Sirius said, finally standing up and stretching like a dog after a nap, "but I'd say you did magic."

Magic. I was magical. I was silent even when James returned, claiming to have found a place for us to sleep for the night.

Much later, we sat around a fire in an old woman's rickety old house. The woman had been kind and generous to us when we told her a story that James preplanned: we were lost backpackers trying to backpack our way across Europe. We planned to stay with the kind French woman for the night and we discussed what we were going to do next. James sat far away from me tonight, his hazel eyes keeping a steady watch on the fire.

"So are we walking the rest of the way to London?" I asked, my feet hurt just from today.

"No, we'll take a boat to England." Sirius answered, looking up at the old lady who entered with soup.

"_Faire n'importe quel de vous enfants comme quelque soupe?"_ The woman asked directly to me since I was the only one who spoke enough French to catch was she said.

I smiled, "_Oui plaire et merci_." She gave us each a bowl of warm soup.

A boat sounded much safer than a train but I still wondered about those men. How had they found us? Why did they appear to go for me? I sipped spoonfuls of my dinner, listening to the flames crackle. James still staring deep into the blaze, I wondered what he was thinking.

"You'll have to perform magic, prove you're a witch once we get back to England." Sirius explained, pointing to the wand in my hand, "James has Lily Evans' old wand. You can use it."

"She can do magic?" for the first time since the train James zeroed in on me with his hazel eyes. He was clearly shocked.

"Watched her expel a wand of one of those brutes back on the train." Sirius sounded excited.

I blushed and looked down at my bowl, "I didn't know what I was doing. I probably won't be able to do it again."

"If you did it once, you can do it again." Sirius sighed in contentment, "Yes, it'll be nice seeing Moony again, won't it James? It's been ages since we've seen him."

"Who is Moony?" I asked, leaning closer to the fire.

"Remus Lupin." Sirius answered cheerily, "He used to be Lily's friend too; he's really great and funny! We were best friends back in Hogwarts which is our old school for magic—"

James cut Sirius off quickly, "He's an old friend of Dumbledore's."

I made a face, "Wait a minute." I hoped I wasn't hearing what I thought I was hearing. "I thought we were going to see Dumbledore himself! Not his friend…" I spun on James who was trying very hard not to glance my way, "James?"

"Well," His "l" was drawn out. It was like before when Sirius said he couldn't magically poof us to London, "Nobody gets near Dumbledore without finding him first and only his friends know where he is."

"What?" anger flaring up inside me, "No, no, no, no! No one ever told me I had to _prove_ I was Lily Evans!" I jumped up, the bowl clattering to the floor. The old women entered the room, worry on her face. I apologized to her and helped her clean up my mess, trying very hard not to look at James.

I headed to the bedroom with the old woman, where she said I could stay. I didn't even bother glancing at the boys who had remained silent since I dropped the bowl of soup. Then I felt a hand grasp my shoulder. I didn't turn.

"Lil." It was James' voice, "You don't know it's a lie."

He called me Lil, not Lis. Although foreign to me, I didn't want to correct him.

"_bonne nuit."_

What on earth had I gotten myself into? I didn't have proof I was Lily Evans more than James or Sirius. They were running on looks alone. Something they said unnerved me…only Dumbledore's friends could find him. Why weren't James and Sirius friends with Dumbledore? Something was being left out of my knowledge, something important.

I stared into the mirror the old woman had hanging in her loo. I didn't get a good look at the picture that the boys had of Lily Evans but I remembered vaguely she had soft features, where are my cheeks jutted out sharply, probably from being so malnourished. She had my auburn colored hair, but hers only had a slight wave at the bottom but my hair waved from the top to the bottom. Her eyes were evidently the same as mine, green, but I was certain hers had been more spectacular in that picture, so life-like. Her hair was long and mine was only just touching my shoulders since Madame had shaved my head after she found me.

It wasn't impossible, but there was certainly doubt.

**~~~she leaves her daydreams behind and her childish fantasies unwind~~~**

The next morning as we walked along the route the old lady had drawn for us on an old road map she said had belonged to her husband, I was waiting to turn and run because I felt like this adventure was beyond control. James was soundless, walking in front of me staring at a ring on his finger I had never noticed before. It was plain, gold, and for some reason I thought it established something important.

"What's that?" I asked him, as birds twittered around us in the trees.

His hazel eyes looked at me with sorrow filled in them, "It's a ring." He said with a tone of finality.

"For who?" I asked as Sirius kept up the pace ahead and my pace slowed to match James.

James sighed, "It doesn't matter," he glanced over at me, "It was a long time ago."

I realized, once again, I knew nothing about these men I traveled with on the small hope that I could find a family. To keep up the conversation and curiosity getting the better of me I spoke again.

"Well it obviously mattered if you still have it. Is it from your wife or something? Are you married?"

James snorted, obviously bemused, and he looked over at me, "You know, sometimes I really start to imagine you are Lily Evans. She would bug me like you are until I told her the truth." The look in his eyes confirmed my suspicions.

"So it was from an old girlfriend!" I declared, interest pouring out of me from every pore. Who had loved this man enough to buy him a promise ring? Who had once held James' hand? "Who? Was she a witch? Was she Lily?" I demanded.

James looked down at me and he reached up to ruffle his already messy hair, "Oh, just a silly girl I once knew at Hogwarts."

"What's Hogwarts?" I asked, intrigued.

"It's a school that teaches magic." James told me, smiling to the sky, "It's my home away from home."

"Do you miss it?" I questioned, knowing full on well that I missed whatever home I had even if I couldn't remember it.

"I miss it so much." He breathed, "Life seemed so much easier in school than it does now." He looked down at me, "I was always looking for adventure…I knew Lily Evans was the same way."

"You knew her?" I questioned, "Lily Evans?"

It was like I was seeing a different part of the raven haired James Potter who was looking peaceful as he thought about his old school days. Then his smile faltered and I didn't like the shadow that crossed his face at her name on my lips.

"Yes. I knew her. She was in my year."

"What was she like?" I asked of the woman I was supposed to be.

"Stupid but so smart. She literally had a heart of gold and even if her tongue was sharp as a knife, she was loyal to her friends and her family." His voice broke and he looked down at me, "You really do look like her you know."

I hadn't noticed we stopped, and our faces were inches apart. I'd never noticed the way his eyes sparkled at me whenever he stared deep into my eyes, probably because I'd never stopped long enough to let him. My breathing became erratic as he leaned in, and my stomach twisted itself into knots.

"Come on! I see the town!" Sirius's voice called happily.

It was like James came out of a daze and he broke himself away from me very quickly. Disappointed, I followed with my head bent, looking at the dirt floor. I actually had felt…something…for him as we had stood there talking about his past. I felt so connected to him it was unnerving.

Once we found a ship heading for England and Sirius had paid we found our stateroom. There were only two bunks but James took the floor happily, saying he didn't mind much. James was knocked out even before dinner so I sat up talking with Sirius who said a lot more than James ever did.

Sirius told me stories about Lily Evans at Hogwarts and I felt like I was seeing it all in my mind's eye. I saw myself entering Hogwarts and getting sorted into Gryffindor. I saw myself waving my wand and creating charms and flying broomsticks. I saw myself laughing with friends who didn't have any real faces. I saw myself in the billowing cloaks and at the game of quidditch, a magical sport played on broomsticks.

"So they hated each other?" I asked Sirius as I glanced down at James' snoring form.

"Lily and James were a very interesting couple." Sirius answered, "I never understood their relationship—one minute they loved each other the next they were shouting at each other. They were fighting when Lily disappeared you know." Sirius shook his head, "Losing her made James…Well, Lily always kept him straight." He grinned at me suddenly, "Want to learn some magic?"

Sirius sat teaching me basic spells, which I mastered quickly. It was like second nature to me and I hoped that this meant there was even more hope that I could be Lily Evans. She sounded like a lovely person but we weren't exactly alike either. I let my worries get the better of me. After dinner I fell into my cot, and Sirius sat down next to me, rubbing his own shoulders.

"Sirius?" I asked softly, fingering the necklace charm that said _'London' _"What if Dumbledore doesn't recognize me?"

"I don't see how he couldn't." Sirius smiled, assuredly, "You really do look like her and you sometimes act like her too."

"And how do you know?" I frowned, "Why are you helping me—her—why are you bringing Lily to Dumbledore?"

"Family." Sirius said, yawning, "Just remember that James and I, we'll always be ready to help you Lis. Even James admitted you were growing on him." His joke about James made me crack a smile.

"Thank you." I said, feeling my heart soar at those words.

James was still knocked out on the floor; I wondered when the last time he slept was. His hand rested on top of his blanket and I spotted James' ring glittering on his hand again, "Who gave James that ring?" I asked Sirius, expecting a better answer from him than James had given me.

Sirius groaned, "Lily Evans," Sirius shook his head, "Just don't tell him I told you." The haunted look in Sirius's eyes made me miserable, "He doesn't like to talk about it, not even to me."

"Did he love her?" I asked, "The girl you think I am?"

"He loved her more than you could imagine." Sirius spoke, staring at James, "I kind of hope you are Lily—just so he stops killing himself slowly, day by day, as he wastes away waiting for Lily to come back."

"You think she's dead?"

Sirius frowned deeply and looked at me, "Why else wouldn't she have come back to us?"

Sirius may not have caught that, but I did, Sirius was having doubts that I was Lily Evans. What if I was walking into a big lie? What if they weren't who they said they were? What was I even doing?

I fell asleep and dreamed about a life that shouldn't be mine. In my dreams I saw James and Sirius and they were both sitting at a table with me, they were laughing. James' arm was slug around my shoulders in the dream. James was turning away every so often to whisper sweet words in my ear. In my dreams I saw an old man with stark white hair dying in a hospital and a horse-faced woman crying over his lifeless body and shouting at me to fix him. In my dreams I saw faces, so many faces, but one was always coming back, and that was James' face.

**~~~I Wonder What You're Like Out Of My Dreams~~~**

I tried not to think about my dreams, because I wasn't sure what was a dream and what was a memory now that I was learning about Lily Evans. I think my mind was confusing me with her. Or not? At dinner I sat in between Sirius and James as they quizzed me on Lily Evans' long and quite fascinating history.

"Now you have a sister, Petunia, but you two don't ever talk." James grinned, "Got that?"

"Why?" I asked, biting into my sausage.

"I don't know." James said, sounding annoyed, "Something about magic."

"Maybe her sister was jealous?" I mused, thinking of how I would be in Petunia's shoes. Lily Evans sounded perfect, something I was not.

Sirius passed me a roll of bread, " She was Head Girl in her seventh year at Hogwarts with James here as Head Boy."

"You worked with her?" I questioned James.

"She was a bloody pain in my arse." James took a swing from his glass of wine.

My mind rolled as I learned of this life I didn't remember at all. I laughed with the boys all over dinner and our server didn't talk at all but just smiled and gave us more and more wine. By what seemed like my fourth glass, Sirius excused himself to go smoke so James and I headed back to the cabin alone together. We got ready to go to bed when I felt dizzy. I pressed my hand to my forehead. I stumbled to my bunk and was saved from falling by James who wrapped his arm around my shoulder to help me stay up.

"Are you okay?" he asked, pushing my hair back from my shoulders with worry laced in his tone.

"I think I drank too much wine is all." I complained, leaning on him.

"Come on," he guided me into my bunk, "You need sleep is all."

"No I don't." I said, staring deep into his eyes, "James?" I spoke up as he stared back at me for a second longer than normal, "Why do you act like you hate her?"

"Who?" he spoke, swallowing deeply as his eyes traced my face slowly.

"Lily." I said, thinking of the girl in that photograph, "Sirius told me you loved her more than anything in the world."

Something flashed in his eyes and he muttered Sirius's name angrily, standing up and away from me, "I did love her but things change."

"I think you still love her." I spoke, fiddling with the blanket, nervous.

He walked out of our conversation. I frowned and fell back into the pillows on my bunk. I wasn't mistaking anything because he was leading me on. I liked it too; I wanted him to kiss me just then. I wanted him to tell me he loved Lily—to give me the chance of hope that maybe one day he might love me too.

My head was still spinning but I was so tired I fell asleep almost immediately. As I drifted off pictures floated back into my head.

_It was night but the stars were out and the moon was almost full. I was amused, running along the shores of a dark lake. A girl with blonde hair was chasing me from behind playfully and she was laughing. A large castle rose up above me, covering the lack in a shadow despite the fact that it was nighttime. I had a strange feeling we weren't supposed to be outside. The blond girl jumped into the lake, creating a large splash. A few other people were already in the lake splattering water around. _

"_Come on Lily!" the girl shouted encouragingly._

"_Yeah, come on Evans." A voice said playfully from behind me._

_I looked around and saw James Potter come right to me out of nowhere with a huge grin on his face. _

"_Miss me?" I teased, "I heard you were down here."_

_He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, "Breaking the rules for me, eh?"_

_He leaned in and kissed me so tenderly it made my toes curl and my hands rose to brush through his soft hair. I leaned into the kiss; moving my lips against his eagerly and feeling goosebumps rise on my arms as he smiled against my mouth._

"_You put the stars in the sky, Lily Evans." He whispered romantically, pushing back my hair from my face._

_I smiled back, "I love you."_

_He brought our lips together once more…_

Then I opened my eyes, something really was touching my mouth and it was bulky hands instead of James' lips. I screamed and kicked out, biting down. A curse shot and bounded off the wall as I realized I was being dragged away from the cabin. I wasn't even in the cabin! I saw the flash of a baldhead and lava colored robes. The dark wizards, the death eaters! They found us! I screamed again only to be hit in the head.

"James!"

I was dragged onto the upper deck, worried as the man slung me to the floor. I still felt sluggish and couldn't move. The bald man pointed his wand at me. I could hardly move, I felt like I was under some sort of body bind and I still felt like I was partially in a dream.

"Why are you doing this?" I begged, crying, trying to move out of the way of his aim, "I don't even know you!"

The man just sneered at me, "Yeah right Evans, Avada—"

"Leave her alone!"

Someone jumped on the man and they wrestled over to the side of the ship. Whoever had come to my rescue was fighting and grunting as he wrestled the wand from the Death Eaters grip and threw it overboard. I heard a thunk and someone fell to the ground. I tensed, ready for someone to come kill me, I felt like I could move again, but I was still so confused. The darkness of the night made the stars seem so much brighter. I felt like curling into a tiny ball and never moving.

Someone put his or her arms around me, pulling me to a standing position. It was James. He was running his hands through my hair trying to check my face "are you okay?"

I shook my head, crying into his shoulder, "No, no, Lily Evans—" I sobbed into James' neck, never wanting him to let go and realize that I wasn't Lily Evans, "I keep seeing people in my dreams, _Je vois tant de visages!_ I don't know who any of them are."

_Except you, I keep seeing you._

"It's alright, I knocked him overboard. You're safe now." He whispered in the same voice he had used in my dream to Lily Evans, "No one is coming after you now."

"Why though?" he stared at me indignantly. His voice was more frustrated, "I just wish I knew why the Death Eaters are chasing you and not me! They always wanted me." He huffed and stared down at my face in uncertainty.

"They think I'm her." I gazed into his hazel eyes, "They think I'm Lily Evans."

He blinked, wiping a tear from my eye with his thumb, "I know, but this just worries me more that they think Lily Evans is—"

I realized again, that he and Sirius didn't fully believe I was Lily Evans, I tore myself from his grasp, "That they think I'm Lily Evans? What if I'm not? What if all of this is wrong? _Je ne suis pas Lily, je suis Lis_."

"I think you are very much like Lily Evans." He whispered, as I stepped away from him, wiping my eyes and trying to not look weak.

"But if I'm not? What then James? What are you getting out of bringing me back to Albus Dumbeldore? What will you do if I'm not her?_"_

I gave him a good hard look before spinning and walking slowly back to our cabin.

"Goodnight." He whispered after me.

I didn't dare turn around to look at him.

**~~~ Because even if she's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on. Yet...I'm better near to you.~~~**

The bald man had stolen the keys to our stateroom, the captain apologized profusely over and over and James accepted his apology—after we were moved to a better end of the ship. Sirius thinks the man looked up our names in the ticket booths back at port in France. Somehow the man knew we couldn't apparate anywhere. We were on the upper deck late one night when James came forward, grinning with a huge grin just like when he told Lily Evans she put the stars in the sky. I wished he would say that too me but I had a feeling his sweet nothings were only for the real Lily and not me.

"Hey, look what I got you, a new dress!" James handed a blue sundress to me, "Go try it on, you'll adore it!"

I put on the dress in one of the bathrooms and marveled at how well it fit me; I smiled and twirled in the mirror. Excited to show James, I hurried quickly out on deck to hear Sirius and James talking alone—about me. They were arguing and I could tell it was getting bad. I leaned around the corner to listen in.

"You can't do this to yourself," Sirius hissed, "she's not—"

"I know." James made a face, planting his hand to his forehead angrily, "I know okay?! But she's just so much like her!"

Sirius shook his head, "You're falling for this one too hard James! You've got to stop! Before this turns ugly!"

I turned back, what were they after? I bit my lip and pulled at strands of my hair. I wished I could remember my past, I wished I could remember who I was. I wish I could stop trying to be this Lily girl, no matter how much I wished I was her.

"Lis? What are you doing hiding over there?" James said my name, the one he never said. Normally he called me Lily.

A spark of hope rose in my chest. I came out of the corner into the last rays of sunlight and Sirius's mouth dropped, James turned and his jaw dropped too. He rushed forward to help me up the steps, his eyes all for me. His voice was husky when he spoke.

"You look wonderful." His hand touched my cheek, "absolutely, yeah."

"Thank you." I smiled gently, "You bought it for me."

"Bought it, stole it." Sirius murmured, "Same difference."

I glared at Sirius, who was ruining the moment. I wanted to kiss James like I had in that dream the other night. I wanted to see if his lips were really that soft, I wanted to feel his body against mine again. James was looking uncomfortable as I brought my body up against his like he had done to me in the dream.

"I-it was no big deal." He sputtered.

"Well," Sirius dragged me away from James, "How about I teach you how to play chess? Lily Evans loved challenging people to a game of Wizards Chess."

I paused, to look back at James who was staring at me with a new look in his eyes, but gave in as Sirius led me to a chess board on the deck. Sirius didn't want James to fall for me and I wondered why.

I got up in the middle of the night, I couldn't sleep, and I just kept having the same annoying dreams about James and me, I mean _Lily_, at the lake. I went up on deck and stared out at sea, waves crashing gently along the side of the boat. Someone leaned on the rail beside me and I jumped a little. James Potter smiled.

"Sorry for scaring you."

I shrugged, "I was just thinking about France, if Madame Williams might have noticed I was gone."

James sighed, "There's nothing left for you back there. Everything is in London." He smiled, "I've missed London so much and I like to think you'll like it there."

Why did you leave London?" I asked, feeling the breeze rush past my face.

"I guess you could say I was trying to escape from my past—unlike you." He looked down at me, "You're trying to find your past."

"Why would you try and escape something you already have?" I questioned, twirling my hair around my finger, "A family, a home, Lily Evans."

James snorted, "My parents died from Dragon Pox when I turned sixteen and Lily and I… "

The stars shone brightly, only a few clouds were blocking our view. James leaned slightly against me, so that the sea breeze wasn't as noticeable as before.

"Imagine how it was," he told me, "Your long forgotten past in London." He glanced at me, "I'd imagine a pretty thing like you had a boyfriend."

I smiled shyly…if he only knew, "Sirius told me, about Lily Evans. What would you do if I really am Lily Evans?"

"You are." He grinned, "And we don't like each other." His hazel eyes held assuredness.

"I think you liked her." I said, remembering those dreams, those memories. Whatever they were. "And what if I'm not her?" I spoke, leaning in closer to his face, my eyes not leaving his.

"Not what?" he leaned in too and his eyes were half closing.

"James I—" I fingered the edge of my dress he'd gotten me.

"Yes?" his eyes held a certain excitement as he leaned in closer.

"I'm not Lily Evans." I whispered, "There is no proof."

His eyes flashed with sorrow and he rumbled a sigh. His breath washed over me and I closed the gap between us, forcing my lips on his. His hands grasped my face tightly as his lips grazed across mine and our bodies leaned against the life rail. It was just like the dream, only more lustful, and not as passionate. He broke away from me, staring deep into my eyes.

"I—" he breathed,

"James." I whispered his name, "If I'm not Lily would you love me?"

"What are you talking about?" he said in a low voice, looking confused, as my fingers ran through his hair, "why are you doing this to me?"

"Do you think I'm Lily?" I questioned, gazing into his eyes.

The pain entered his eyes again at mentioning her name, "Yes." He answered truthfully.

I let go of him, feeling strangely cold and alone, "That's what I was afraid of."

He grabbed my arm, "But if I had proof she was dead, if I knew she was never coming back—you'd be my second pick." He said this as if were better.

"I am second best?" I said coldly, "And I thought you were so _sure_ I _am_ Lily Evans?"

James's features flattered, "I am sure! Lily! Lis!" he grabbed me, "Lis I can promise you that Remus Lupin will agree you're Lily Evans. You, you looked so much like her." He looked tortured, "So much." His fingers grazed my cheek.

"Then would you love me?" I wondered, "When you finally have the final proof? Why can't you love me now? Without the final proof? Do you have feelings for both Lis and Lily? Why can't you choose _me_?! You told Lily she put the stars in the sky! Can't you tell me that? James _je veux que me vous ayez aimé comme ça_!"

"How did you know I said that to her?" He whispered, staring down at me. "That thing—about the stars."

"_Bonne nuit._" I said coldly in French, not wanting to explain to him about my dreams.

"Wait," he spoke, "Lis, if you are Lily—if there's any possible way on earth—"

"No." I dejectedly said.

"Damn it Evans!" he shouted, running to grab my arm as I walked away.

I stared at him in horror, "Evans? Evans?!" I asked in a strained voice, pulling from his gasp, walking away, and shaking my head.

**~~~ Like somehow you could be replaced and I could walk away from the promises we made~~~**

We docked in Wales the next day; Sirius either didn't notice my cold shoulder at James or didn't care. James tried talking to me but I ignored him, wiping my eyes occasionally. They guided me along streets to a taxicab, which Sirius gave money too. The car ride was long and never ending until finally we entered a large city where the taxi stopped. We piled out and Sirius got a hotel room, promising me a hot shower and warm food.

James gave me a slender wand well worn and well cared for. I didn't recognize it as the wand that I'd stolen from the dark wizard and I wondered hastily if it had belonged to Lily. I wore the sundress James had gotten me and stared in the mirror. It was actually possible that in a few days I could know exactly who I was! Happy and animated, I met the boys early the next morning in the hotel lobby. Sirius had written Remus and told him they were in London, Remus evidently was ecstatic to see them both.

James and Sirius guided me along crowded streets and all the while Sirius complained that they'd have to re-teach me how to Apparate. When we got to a long line of small little houses they knocked on the door of the one that looked the worse for wear. A man opened it with a prematurely lined face and slightly graying brown hair.

"Moony! Looking as dashing as always!" Sirius reached out to clap the man on the back, "Mates, the Marauders have been split too long!"

They were laughing and joking and hugging each other so I stayed back behind everything. Once again I felt out of place. James looked the happiest of all as he wrapped his arms around the older looking one. Finally, the man with the graying brown hair noticed me.

"Lily?" the man squinted at my form, "Is that you?"

Remus Lupin stared at me as James and Sirius remembered the real reason they were here. Remus Lupin circled me, like James had done all those days ago in the Tavern. I stood patiently as James and Sirius watched with daunting eyes.

"Who are you?" Remus Lupin asked of me softly.

I didn't know. I didn't know what to say, I knew what James and Sirius were hoping I'd say.

"This," Sirius dragged me foreword, "Is Lily Evans, don't you recognize your old friend Remus?"

Remus nodded, staring at my face intently, "she certainly looks like Lily Evans…but these days it's getting harder and harder to trust what you see."

I was taken aback, "So I'm not—"

James cut me off, "We found her in France." He explained.

Remus invited us into the house where the inside was nicer looking than the outside. Couches were leather and a soft brown. There was a table was laden with drinks for the visitors that Remus had been expecting. Remus, sat down next to me on one of the brown leather couches and kindly offered me drinks.

"Butterbeer?" he asked, showing me the foaming liquid.

"Oh, no thank you, just tea." I answered.

I watched Remus Lupin examine me carefully as I said this. I took the teacup from him kindly and sipped my tea, waiting for someone else to speak up. I was so uncomfortable. I could almost feel James' eyes boring into me.

Then Remus Lupin spoke up, "James you remember Barnaby Stock from Hufflepuff?" he inquired.

"Yeah," James answered, eyes only momentarily leaving me, "What about him?"

"Stock came by here the other day with a girl who looked remarkably like Lily Evans. He told me he found her and wanted to get her to Dumbledore." Remus said, watching me now, gauging my reaction.

I looked at Sirius who looked unperturbed, "This is no joke Remus, you know we'd never do anything like find someone to impersonate Lily."

Remus frowned considerably more, "I'm not so sure what you wouldn't do anymore."

James said sourly, "Do you want to check our Lily for Polyjuice Potion, Moony? I told you she was alive."

"She's got a accent." Remus looked annoyed, "Your Lily never had an accent."

I clutched my phoenix charm in my dress pocket, blinking around the room as the boys argued. No one ever knew who I was; everyone always just hoped I was a woman who was considered dead.

Remus spun on me, "Tell me, Lily, what house were you in at Hogwarts?"

"Gryffindor." I spoke up; remembering the stories Sirius had told me.

Remus nodded to himself, "What's my occupation Lily?"

I blinked, remembering learning this over dinner, "You don't work for anyone but Dumbledore. You can't get work because you're a werewolf."

Remus blinked but shrugged this away, and then he knelt down, staring me in the face, "I am going to think of much harder questions for you."

Sirius sighed, "Come on Moony, she's the real thing. Look at her!"

"I am looking at her Sirius," Remus said leisurely, "I just can't believe my eyes."

Remus let me have his room to sleep in while he and the other boys slept on the floor in the living room. I sat up that night staring at myself in the mirror, wondering if I had only been lying to myself about possibly being Lily Evans because Remus certainly didn't see any Lily in me.

"Lil?" James Potter entered my room and I immediately bristled, "Oh, you are awake." He blinked, "I uh, came in to tell you not to speak French around Remus—Lily couldn't speak an ounce of French before."

I spun on my seat to stare at him, "Thank you. But I think I gathered I'm not Lily." I said coolly, "Do you mind leaving? I'd much rather be on my own."

"I want you to know—there's something that—" James's voice faltered as he stared at my stone cold face.

"Lily, James?" Remus entered the room, his eyes scanning our faces, "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing." James spoke for me, "we were just discussing—things."

Remus looked at James clearly for the first time since we arrived, "About the fight?"

I blinked, what fight? The fight he and Lily had gotten into before she disappeared? A few flashes like pictures in an album came to my mind of James Potter staring at me with unbelievable sadness in his eyes. Words came to mind and repeated in my head like a broken record.

"_Why can't you just let me live my life?" my eyes flashed as he held his ground, staring down at me, "Instead of trying to get me out of every job that comes along? First the ministry job—then the Daily Prophet Job and now you think I can't handle-"_

"_It's too dangerous for you as a muggle born! I can afford to take care of you without you getting a job." he argued, "but if you really want to be a moron go on, and go chase after Death Eaters!"_

"_Look it's the pot calling the kettle black!" I shouted hysterically, "James, you're the one that goes running off with Sirius to fight Death Eaters on your own and _I'm_ the _moron_?"_

"_That's different!" He demanded, 'Lily, please."_

I opened my eyes to this world again, the pictures made a distressing story in my head. Remus was watching me and I sent a look at James angrily, "It's not her fault and you shouldn't have called her a moron."

James looked like he wanted to punch something. I wondered if these pictures and sounds in my head were even true or if my imagination was just above and beyond normal.

Remus smiled at me, "Ready for a new question?"

I turned to glance at Remus, "Huh?"

"Why do you refer to Lily, like you aren't her?" Remus rose an eyebrow, "You know everything…but its like you don't believe you are her."

James was staring at me in disbelief. He spoke up, voice edgy, "How did you know about that fight?"

"Sirius must've told me." I got up and walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen, not wanting to hear another word from James as my life came tumbling down considering Remus Lupin was skeptical about me even being related to Lily Evans let alone being Lily Evans.

**~~~ I made a wish upon a star and I turned around and there you were~~~**

It was early the next morning and I was pouring myself a glass of water when I heard voices coming from the sitting room where James and Sirius had been staying. My curiosity got the better of me and I snuck forward on my tiptoes, straining my ears to hear them. There was a door blocking me from seeing them but I could just make out their voices.

"I will go on pretending like it never happened." James whispered, "We are going to go through with this as if nothing has changed."

"You've got to tell her mate." Sirius' voice was strict, and harbored a warning to James.

I pushed open the door to the sitting room, "Tell me what?" I crossed my arms.

Both boys were sitting on the chairs by the table, drinking coffee. Sirius and James stared at me for a moment, like they couldn't believe I was there. Like they hadn't seen me in ages.

Sirius cleared his throat, "Just that Remus thinks you could be Lily..."

James stood up and came over to me with a sad smile, "Hey," he whispered softly, "I'm sorry."

I blinked slowly, "What are you sorry for?" I asked coldly before turning to Sirius, "So if I am Lily why can't I remember?"

"Memory charm." Remus appeared from the door I had just entered through, he had a cup of coffee, "Dumbledore would be able to tell if you were placed under one."

I looked at Remus in surprise, "How did you—"

Remus smiled, "Sirius and James told me you were having memory problems."

I glared at James, of course. My memory loss was the perfect excuse for them but what if they were right? What if this…memory charm…was the reason my head and memories were so messed up?

"School's going on but, if she is Lily, Dumbledore needs to know as soon as possible." Came Remus' voice through my thoughts, "I thought we could bring her later."

"Sounds great." Sirius said, stretching and yawning, "I'll go make some eggs."

"I'll help. I don't want you burning down this flat." Remus joked.

I turned to follow them, not wanting to get left alone with James. James was blocking my path to the kitchen though…I pouted angrily which only made his eyes flashed with longing. His actions recently were so confusing and I just wanted to stay away from him.

"_Pourriez-vous faire sortir s'il vous plaît de ma façon_?" I said nastily in French.

He took another step closer, "Thanks not fair. You know I don't speak French." He whispered, placing his lips to mine.

I should have pushed him off, but I wished for this. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn't pull away but sank into the kiss, moving my lips against his so slowly, savoring every moment because I knew; I knew he wanted me to be her, to be Lily. Maybe I was. The past four years had seemed endless and now I had someone to love me and he was right within my reach. I pulled away from him.

"I told you I'm not her?" I whispered painfully, wishing I could tell him otherwise.

"You are though…" he was begging me to believe it, "You have to be. Why can't you remember?"

"You act like it's my fault." I whispered, detaching myself from him and feeling my eyes water up.

I loved him and he loved someone I could probably never in a million years be. Even Remus thought something was fishy about me. James was the only one who was so sure all of a sudden.

"No," James said dejectedly, "It's mine."

**~~~ I made a wish upon a star and I turned around and there you were~~~**

"Whoa," I said, staring up at the castle, "it's bigger than I remember."

"Way bigger." Sirius grinned at me, his eyes twinkling; he had been in the greatest mood ever today when Remus announced he was taking us to see Dumbledore.

James was silent, but after kissing me spontaneously this morning I could see something was eating away at him. I wondered if he knew Dumbledore would take me in and we'd never see each other again? I fiddled with the edges of my borrowed cloak as we walked up to the enormous castle and large double doors.

There was another memory flash, of these doors in the pouring rain, but then the memory disappeared quickly. Like lightning.

"I never thought I'd have to come back." Sirius snorted, "I spent more time in detention then in actual school here."

Remus laughed as he opened the doors for me and let me enter. The hallway was expansive and a few students looked up when we entered. They all wore black robes and had a certain crest on their chests. I walked along the cobblestone floor behind Remus as he led us up many flights of stairs. I felt like I had walked these stairs many times before.

It was like a memory from a dream.

Finally we reached two stone goblins and Remus told them a funny little word so that they opened up to a stairwell. Remus started climbing, expecting us to follow. I knew we were now close to Dumbledore's office, my breathing became shallow and short, Sirius clapped my back to try and force me to go faster.

Remus knocked on the door that led to the office of Albus Dumbledore. The man looking for the person everyone hoped I was. Even I hoped that I was her.

"Enter." Came a solid, warm voice.

"I'll go in first." James said, "Introduce myself, he probably won't remember me. It's been years."

"I'll stay back here with Lily." Sirius agreed.

James entered the room, but the door didn't shut properly and as it closed I was able to lean against the wall and hear what was being said. Remus and Sirius talked in joking tones beside me. I was on the edge of the door, trying not to seem to anxious but probably failing.

The warm voice came up, "James Potter? Out of France already?"

"Sir." Came James's respectful voice, "I found someone in France you'd probably like to meet."

"Is that so?" I prepared myself to enter the room, "That's funny Mr. Potter because I had a friend down in France, Mr. Albert Warehouse. He owns a bar Mr. Potter. Have you ever heard of Albert's Tavern?"

"Sirius and I would go there on Saturday nights when we were in France." James's voice agrees, "Why?" James seemed taken aback, like this wasn't how he had imagined the conversation to go.

"Mr. Albert happened to see you and your friend, convince a red haired Frenchwoman to come to England with you and con me into thinking she was Lily." my eyes widened and I looked at Sirius in horror.

"No. I brought you Lily Evans." James murmured, "I have her here with me, if you'd just go out and look at her, she's under a memory charm."

Dumbledore sounded tired; "It's been four years. I'm tired of people bringing me fake Lily's. The Ministry has a reward up to anyone who finds Lily's body and I'm certain you knew that Lord Voldemort was still after you? You were hoping if you brought back Lily I'd help you hide from him, let you back into the Order? The Ministry would reward you the money. James, she's _dead_."

"But she really is—" James started with passion, I heard him move on the other side of the door.

"Good _day_ Mr. Potter." Came Dumbledore's directive voice, "Do not make me call for someone to escort you out."

The door opened slowly and I backed up into Sirius who was staring at James with a look of repulse.

Sirius spoke before I could, "There's a bloody reward on her head?"

"Don't play coy." James snarled, "you're the one who told me about it."

I placed a hand on my opened mouth and stared at James in horror. James was looking at me with complete and utter sadness on his face. He held out a hand, tried to get me to come to him. I didn't even know how I was looking at him.

I whispered, backing closer to the stairs, "_Je vous ai fié_!"

Remus shouted out in alarm, "She's _French_?" then he spun on Sirius, "She's not Lily?!"

"It's Lily, we swear!" Sirius shouted, as I backed up trying to escape the nightmare. "Lily wait!"

James tried to grab me, "No, no, don't go. Don't leave me, again." He was begging, pleading, for some reason it didn't make me angry. It just made my heart break into a million pieces.

"It was all a lie wasn't it?" I said tears coming to my eyes, "You used me? I was just a part of your plan to get his—his money?"

"No! No, Lily no! Look, it wasn't that! I was looking for you, I wanted to find you!"

"You used me!" I started down the stairs and James followed two steps at a time.

"No," James shouted, "From the moment I met you I knew there was something different about you. And on the way here you proved it, you are Lily Evans, you are!"

"_L'arrêter, juste l'arrêter !" _I yanked my arm from his grasp and pushed him away, "From the very start you lied! And I—I not only believed you I actually—" I began heading down the stairs again and he still followed. Stubborn as always.

"Lil, Lily, please, when you spoke of me in that dream—telling Lily she put the stars in the sky—telling her she was an idiot for wanting to fight in the war that was all—" I pushed him and he grabbed both my arms.

"No!" I shouted, "I don't want to hear anything more about what I said or remembered you just leave me alone_! S'il vous plaît juste me partir seul!_"

"Lily!" he shouted after me, but I ignored him, now running down the stairs.

Behind me I heard Remus shouting at his mates and Sirius shouted back at Remus, "Blame James! He's the one that saw her!"

The sob ripped through my throat and the tears poured down my cheeks. I pushed my hair from my face and leaned against a wall, trying to cover my heart wrenching sobs. I had nowhere to go, no one to trust. I was lost.

Remus caught up to me. He put an arm around my shoulders.

"Why did you go with them?"

"I thought," I whispered against his cloak, "I thought maybe I'd find my family. I thought maybe there was a chance I could be her."

Remus looked like he was at his wits end, "Why don't you come to my flat again? I'll get you back home where you belong. I'm sorry it turned out this way."

I was sorry too; sorry I had ever believed that James Potter could have actually loved me. I was sorry I had ever left France and I was so sorry that that old man had to live worried about a girl who wasn't even here.

Lily Evans was dead.

**~~~I'm all what you wanted~~~**

"I can't believe they did this to her." Remus was speaking to a man named Frank about what had happened yesterday. I sat unmoving on the couch staring at the wall, "Sirius swears they'd been in France looking for her because James hadn't given up hope and they found this girl with no family who looked like Lily…they weren't after anything."

"Dumbledore said he got an owl from Sirius. He told Dumbledore that James was convinced this girl was Lily. Maybe James was hoping he'd get a new Lily." Frank said, in undertone, "Maybe this girl was supposed to be her replacement. Maybe he heard that Dumbledore was offering an reward for Lily."

"No one could ever replace Lily Evans." Remus said coldly, "And now this girl is miles from her home in France and she doesn't even know her own name."

"Lis." I spoke up, "My name that Madame Williams gave me was Lis."

Remus jumped, he had forgotten I was right there, "I know and I'm sorry this happened to you. You say you were found in France with no memory?"

I nodded, "Mademoiselle Williams found me."

There was a knock on the front door and the three of us looked up in surprise, my eyes narrowed when James Potter walked through the door in strides with Sirius Black behind him. I turned my back, trying to not pay attention.

"Get out Potter." Remus threatened, "I can't believe you! You! Lily Evans is rolling over in her grave!"

"Let me talk to Lily!" James demanded, "She has to know the truth!"

"The truth?" Remus snorted, "That's audacious coming from you! Did she know you were kicked out of the Order of the Phoenix? Did she know you were leading her along to believe she was a person who's been dead for four years?"

"She's not dead, she's standing right there. Let me talk to Lily!" he demanded, "I need to—Lily!"

I turned in my seat to glare at him, _"Je ne veux pas vous parler, vous restant peice de saleté ! J'espère un Death Eater vient à côté et vous tue!"_

"She's not Lily!" Remus argued, "And even if she was, I'm sure Lily is never going to forgive you for this."

James jumped forward, trying to grab my hand, Sirius held him back, "Lily, please." He begged me, "I can't lose you again."

I felt so hopeless, I wanted to reach up and consol him but I was so mad. I had been lied to this whole time. I was going to be Lis the orphan forever.

Frank snapped, "Get out of Remus' flat Potter before I call the Ministry and you get sent to Azkaban for trespassing!" Frank put his hand on James' shoulder and started pushing him out.

"No!" James yelled, struggling against Frank, "I've come this far, I'm not losing her again! Lily, listen to me, it's a memory charm, you can't remember me—I love you and I know you love me. Lily just look at me!"

"Go away." I said coolly in English.

Sirius now spoke up, "Remus, I'm telling you, she's the real thing!"

"Get out!" Remus pushed them out the door, "I can't believe the both of you!"

I curled up on the couch, burying my head in my lap and wanted to cry. All I could think of was James lying and saying things to me that weren't true and how all I wanted was to crawl into the corner and disappear.

"_Je veux rentrer...I besoin pour se rappeler..."_ I moaned, "I want to go home." But I had no home. France wasn't my home and the life I wanted here was a lie, it belonged to someone else.

"Call Dumbledore," Remus spoke to Frank softly, "I think it's time we sent this girl back home."

"I'll send him my patronus so that it's faster." Frank offered, I knew he was staring at me, "Calm her down."

Someone sat down on the couch beside me and put a hand on my shoulder, I opened my eyes to look into the face of a miserable looking Remus Lupin. He frowned at me, eyes fiery with anger.

"I'm getting a friend to help you back home." He promised, "I hope you understand that I feel terrible for the way Sirius and James have acted. I was sure that you could've been her. I never thought James would-"

I shook my head, "He told me he cared about me." I whispered, horrorstruck, "and I believed him." I reached into my pocket and pulled out my charm that read _'London'_. The charm that had lead me on this wild chase to find my family. I rubbed it with my thumb, staring at it accursedly.

"I'm sorry." Remus spoke again, "I am so sorry if he led you on but it sounds like James just wanted Lily back so bad he'd do this..."

I stared at him, disgusted with myself, "Is it so wrong to wish I was her?" I said, wiping a tear from my eye, "To wish he wouldn't be a—lying scumbag?!" I pounded my fists on the couch, "I thought maybe I had finally found where I belonged!"

Remus didn't answer because the door opened again and Remus walked through with someone who wore dark purple robes and had crescent moon glasses. A long white beard reminded me faintly of something; I stood up quickly, wiping my tear stained face.

"Well," he spoke softly, "She certainly does look like Lily Evans."

Remus jumped up, "James Potter and Sirius Black are convinced it's her—but she doesn't even know who she is."

I stayed sitting on the couch my eyes staring at the man who stared back at me, "I'm sorry." I whispered in shame, "I just wanted a family."

Dumbledore stared at me with bright blue eyes, "What's your name?" he asked me.

I stared down at the floor, "Well, I was hoping you could tell me."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, "You make a perfect impression of Lily—the best yet in fact but—I'm starting to think Lord Voldemort has just disposed of her all together." He said it so calmly I wondered if he had accepted this long ago, something it seemed James had been unable to do.

James and the Death Eaters…they'd been chasing her since France trying to get her—wait a moment…I remembered the Death Eater that had attacked me on the train and ship. He thought I was Lily too. So the other side thought she was alive too.

"That's not possible." I spoke up, remembering the very important detail, "Because Lord Voldemort sent his Death Eaters to follow us across the country and they called me Lily Evans."

Remus stared at me in disbelief, "The Death Eater's attacked you coming here?" Remus sat down on a chair, looking exausted, "That means—"

I nodded, "Sirius Black said they were after James but they were really trying to get me and then one of them called me Lily—"

Dumbledore was staring at me with a new light, "Then you are—if Voldemort hadn't gotten a hold of Lily and was trying to stop you from reaching London—" he seemed very alarmed, "But how did you find James?"

I frowned and held out my charm, "I found James in a Tavern because I wanted to go to London. When I was found three years ago I had this on a chain around my neck…it's broken but I could still read it." I was confused, my head spinning as Dumbledore read the pendant, and I thought I saw tears in his electric blue eyes. He held my shoulder and stared at me, then looked down and latched hold of the charm I held out.

His mouth whispered the words '_London'_ and then he looked back down at me.

"I gave this too you." He spoke in wonder, "You're missing most of it, but I gave this too you as a gift when you became a member of the Order."

I looked down at the circle. "You gave it to me?"

He nodded, hugging me closer, "You're alive." He sounded so relieved.

I pushed out of his embrace, "If I'm Lily, why can't I remember you or James or anyone?"

Dumbledore placed both hands on my temple and whispered something under his breath. His face formed a frown and then he drew out his wand, pressing it to my temple. I stood there, slightly embarrassed, as this man I just met searched my head with his wand and fingers. Finally, Remus spoke up in puzzlement.

"What is it?" he asked, "Sirius and James thought it might be a memory charm."

Dumbledore shook his head, coming to rest on my left, stroking his long white beard, "No memory charm detected. I think she just has amnesia."

"Amnesia?" I whispered, "Can you cure it?"

Dumbledore smiled softly and placed a hand on my cheek softly, "There are potions but it will take time…it's not instantaneous."

I put a hand over his, overwhelmed by the truth in all the lies, "I'm Lily." I breathed, "The dreams, everything is true." I looked back at Remus, "The boys were right."

Remus frowned, "Yeah. They were."

Dumbledore put an arm around my waist, "I'll take Lily back to the castle and she can stay with me until we get this sorted out. Remus call an Order Meeting tonight—immediately—and send James Potter to my office as soon as you find him."

Remus nodded, "Already done." He smiled considerately at me before hastening out.

Albus Dumbledore, my mentor and close friend, looked down at me kindly saying, "Let's go home Lily."

**~~~I Thought I Lost You~~~**

I was only at Hogwarts for a few hours when Albus took me to my first Order of the Pheonix meeting. He told me that I probably wouldn't remember most of the people, but they were my friends and I could trust them. He have me my first dose of many potions I was to start taking in hopes of my memory returning and it seemed hopeful that one day I might remember everything.

The Ministry was alerted of Lily Evans being found and I assume James got his reward. I still couldn't believe that even after hearing that I was Lily, he didn't come for me. I was heartbroken again, and I didn't know if I'd ever recover from James. I didn't need my memories to know we'd been in love.

I stood in the doorway of someone's living room as members of the Order bustled around talking and laughing. Dumbledore was finished announcing about my safe return and people from my past kept appearing and hugging me tightly, asking me where James was. I didn't have the heart to tell them that James found me and then left me. I didn't have the heart for much anymore.

"They are happy you're back." Remus Lupin was behind me, smiling at a pretty black haired girl who waved at us, "You were always the light and joy of our parties and meetings."

I smiled, getting a picture of people smiling and laughing around me, like an old film replaying itself in my head, "I remember I loved them." I spoke up, "And him. James. I loved him the most. Didn't I?"

Remus nodded, "Yes you did."

I felt my chest clench with sadness, "Right. And he still lied to me for a reward and left me..."

It was like Remus read my thoughts, he pulled me into the back of the hallway, "Lily, he didn't take the money."

"What?" I breathed, the hope restoring itself and the forgiveness flowing in my head.

Remus placed a hand on my cheek, "Seeing you alive was all he ever needed." My head pounded, "You were the only thing he ever cared about."

"Why didn't he tell me?" I whispered, clutching onto Remus' robes in horror.

"Sirius said James couldn't believe all the things he'd told you, he was mortified to be around you. He thought you'd never forgive him so he left for America this morning."

I pressed a hand to my forehead, feeling like I was on fire, "He's leaving me? Us? The Order?"

"You forget he left you before." Remus said calmly, "After he got kicked out of the Order and you two fought—oh—you don't remember…" Remus leaned down so that we were eye to eye, "Lily, he and Sirius got in trouble for going on their own to stir up trouble on the streets. Dumbledore told them they were too reckless, kicked 'em out. He left you then."

"What?" I breathed, leaning against the wall for support, "Why? That doesn't explain why he left." My expression was frozen, "You don't leave the people you love."

"Ah, Lily, he loves you a little too much," Remus wiped a tear from my cheek, "He's running away because he thinks that's what's best for you."

Remus left to go talk with the black haired girl and I leaned against the wall, breathing into my hands as I realized that James truly loved me if he didn't take the money. But why couldn't he just say it? Tell me he loved me as Lis or Lily? No second best, no first place? I walked along the length of the hallway and opened the sliding glass door to the back porch.

"_Bonjour_." A voice spoke from outside and I jumped, seeing a blonde haired girl with intimidating eyes step forward twirling her wand, "I'm Alexis. Are you Lily Evans?"

"Yes." I said slowly, watching as she flipped her long and beautiful hair, "You speak French?"

Alexis grinned, "_Oui._"

I assumed she was a member of the Order, I mean, no one else would be running around here. Her voice sounded familiar too, like I had heard it before in my past. I just couldn't place it. Alexis was still twirling her wand and her angelic face threw me for a loop. I didn't remember anyone introducing me to her. She was beckoning me to follow her off the porch for a walk.

I followed with interest, "How well can you speak French? I'm fluent in French and English. _J'étais né à Paris_."

I followed her down the steps, as her shining blonde hair caught the light and my green eyes darted towards the back door, "I speak _perfectionner français_." she answered.

I wondered if she was part ghost, her skin was so milky white under the moonlight.

"Really?" she seemed intrigued, "No one told me you spoke my native tongue. _Perfectionner._" We were at the edge of the trees, "This should make me killing you a whole lot more fun than I thought—"

My mouthful of air got caught in my throat. "What?"

I stared at the girl, Alexis, whose pale features reminded me of a ghost yet she was undeniably beautiful. I turned back to look at the flat. It had to be at least fifty feet away and Alexis had a wand pointed at me. My breath caught in my throat as I saw she could kill me easily as I ran. Alexis advanced closer to me, I was immobile.

"I must say, I didn't think I'd have to worry about you when I dropped you off with that old squib Williams back in France. You didn't even remember me. I thought you and James Potter would be separated forever." Her smile flattered and froze my insides all together. "but somehow he found you, how romantic."

"You—You were keeping us apart?" I whispered, horrified.

Alexis looked evil in the moonlight, "Of course I was, I was under the impression that without you, James Potter would join the pureblood cause." She made a pouted face and her wand tip pushed back the hair that fell across my face, "You can only say no to the Death Eaters so many times and James Potter had reached his limit and when we threatened to kill you he left you, didn't he?" her voice was taunting.

Memories flashed in the back of my mind, memories of me crying as James left the flat we were sharing. He had begged me to not ask any questions, he had begged me to stay away from him. I'd always wondered why. I thought it had been because he was ashamed of getting kicked out of the Order—but it had been because he wanted to protect me.

"You still won't get him," I hissed, looking at Alexis haughtily, "He left me again, went away, he's never coming back."

"Why do you think I'm killing you?" Alexis asked gleefully, "because I think he'll join us after we kill the woman he loves? No." her wand dug into my chest, burning me with the tip, "I'm killing you because I don't want there to be another accident where you find each other again. I want you to be nothing but memories for him."

"No," I whispered, eyes widening, "_No_."

She raised her wand, eyes glinting, and I new it was over, I was going to die. Would Lily Evans just stand here and let herself be killed though? Something inside of me told me to fight. My jaw set and I made a quick movement to Alexis' legs, knocking us both to the ground as I tackled her.

Behind us I heard someone coming out of the house and a distinctly familiar voice called me name, a voice I never thought I'd hear again. James. I heard footsteps running towards Alexis and I. Alexis pushed up from the ground and pointed her wand over my head before I could avert her attack.

"_Crucio_!" Alexis shot a spell at James that made him crumble to the ground and scream in panic.

"No_! L'arrêter s'il vous plaît ! Je ferai n'importe quoi_!" I begged.

I was crawling to grab James as he shook and quivered on the ground. I didn't care about any of our past; I only cared about our future together. I started sobbing a I grab him around his shoulders, trying to shake him out of his personal torture.

James stopped trembling and moaned in my arms. I looked up at her as she advanced foreword with a glint in her eyes, "Ahhh, _amour_. Do you love him Lily Evans?" Alexis smiled a grin so malicious it would make a snake coil in fear. She raised her wand and I knew it was over for both of us.

"Kill me!" I begged her, "Please kill me instead."

Her eyes glinted, "At least he won't die alone. Avada—"

"Help!" I screeched out of desperation, "Help!" but the doors to the flat were not open and nobody was watching or listening.

Suddenly, a large black dog bounded out of nowhere and jumped on the witch, biting her wand arm and yanking down. The witch screamed and tied kicking the dog, which had tried taking her wand. I grabbed James' shoulders, heaving him up.

"We have to run." I whispered to him, "Come on James."

James pulled me out of the way again of another spell from Alexis as she tried to keep track of the dog and us. The large black animal was jumping around her and howling. It seemed to me like the dog was helping us because no one in the house couldn't not hear the clatter the dog was causing. People flooded from the flat, spells were flying around us.

Alexis was angry now, her face was redder and her hair was casting shadows on her pale face. Alexis was losing her nerve. She wanted us dead. The dog bounded away, disappearing into the night.

"_Laxaplumo_!" Alexis yelled, pointing her wand at James and I standing in the middle of the field.

At the same time James pushed me to the ground, lifted his wand and shouted, "_Protego_!"

I knocked my head against the ground and then I felt James fall on top of me and James's breathing was labored. I cried out James's name, pushing him off me so I could attack the witch but someone had already gotten to her before I could.

Remus Lupin had his arms around her, her wand knocked to the ground. Alexis squealed heatedly as Sirius Black appeared from behind us, grabbing me by the shoulders. I was struggling to wake James up, but he wasn't moving. I couldn't lose him, not again, not after I'd found out…

"James!" Sirius croaked.

Sirius grabbed James and shook him, yelling all the while for someone to get Marlene McKinnon who was a trained healer. I pushed my hair out of my face, scooting closer to James' body, he was breathing so roughly like he was having trouble breathing in. Marlene McKinnon, another woman from my memories, rushed forward with her blue eyes searching James's body.

"She cursed him!" Sirius hissed, pointing to Alexis who was trying to escape Remus's hold "That bitch cursed him!"

Alexis laughed in Remus's arms, "He'll be dead soon." Her eyes were crazy, "Just like his parents."

"_J'espère que vous pourrissez dans votre cellule!'_ I shouted at her in French.

Alexis hissed at me, "You wait Lily Evans; we'll always be there, waiting for the opportune moment to strike and you will meet the same definitive end."

Frank Longbottom appeared and did everyone the favor of stunning the wand less Alexis. He said he was taking her into custody, with a one-way ticket to Azkaban. I kept brushing back James' hair, trying to soak in every curve of his face into my head. I never wanted to forget him again. I never wanted to lose him again.

Marlene decided to take James immediately to the Hospital because she wasn't entirely sure what curse he'd tried to deflect from hitting me.

James was in the hospital for the next few days and he wasn't ever waking up when I was around. I sat in the chair the whole first night staring at him, waiting, wondering, and watching for any signs of improvement. Sirius and Remus had long since gone back to the flat and I sat on the floor beside his bed looking at a photo album Dumbledore had given me to pass the time.

Flipping through more pictures of me as Lily Evans, I saw how much I truly loved James and how much he loved me. Memories always came flooding back as more pictures appeared on each page. There were pictures of my family. My parents had passed but my sister had been told of my miraculous survival. I was going to have dinner with her and her husband next week. None of tht mattered though, all that mattered was James getting better.

The healers said he probably was able to shield whatever curse it was and the remnants just broke through the shield, temporarily knocking him out.

"Lily?" Remus entered the hospital room, carrying warm soup, "I brought you soup."

"Merci." I thanked, taking the soup from him.

I sighed looking back at James, "Did Marlene figure out what's wrong with him?"

Remus nodded, "Some sort of dark curse. It's supposed to make you stop breathing but they think James may have tried to block the spell right before it hit."

I swallowed deeply, "when do you think he'll wake?"

"Soon, I hope." Remus stretched as he stood up again, "Sirius is threatening to murder if he doesn't." Remus hugged me tightly, "I've missed you Lily. I'm so glad you back."

I looked up into his eyes, "I wish I could say that I missed you Remus, but I still don't remember you."

"Do you remember me now?" he asked, "At all?"

I shook my head, curling my knees to my chest to look up at James in his bed where he was breathing lightly, "Only what James and Sirius told me."

If I could only remember everything, be able to start like I had never disappeared for three years…if only these things had never happened.

**~~I told myself I wouldn't sleep till I searched the world from sea to sea~~**

I was at James' bedside for the next four days. I didn't waste any time trying to learn about myself. I finished a lunch with Marlene McKinnon who had been telling me about our days as roommates together. I was making my way back to James' hospital room and outside of his door I heard voices. He was awake! I opened the door to find James talking with a healer. His hazel eyes glanced up in surprise then softened when he saw me. The healer, a pretty fair-haired female frowned.

"No visitors unless your family." She said irritably.

"No," James spoke, eyes only for me, "This is important."

Healer Jamie growled about people not respecting the healers and walked out behind me, shutting the door against my back. He looked okay, a little sleepy, but okay. I stood in the closed doorway staring at him.

"Lils" he smiled, finally speaking, "You finally came."

Lils. My heart softened. It was like a mixture of Lis and Lily. Like James was seeing all of me, my past, present, and future.

I took a step forward, "I've been here, just not when you're awake. How's your chest?"

He chuckled, "I've been told by healers that I'm not allowed to have any more adventures." His witty demeanor always was there, "I guess I have to retire and settle down." He got out of the bed, a fierce look in his eyes. I jumped forward, trying to help him but he wrapped his arms around me, putting his face in my hair, "My chest is fine—how are you? I'm sorry. So sorry, for everything. I wanted you back so bad, I kinda lost my mind."

"Fine." I put my hands in his hair, brushing back letting strands slips through my fingers, "I've been looking at things from my past."

"Ahh," he looked deep into my eyes, like he did in the dreams when he wanted to kiss me, "And?"

I shrugged, "Lily seems like a nice person."

Alarm entered his eyes, "Lily?" he touched my face; "You are Lily—trust me."

I fingered the necklace on my neck that Dumbledore had given me years ago, "I trust you. It's just hard to distinguish dreams from memories."

James let go of me and I instantly felt distant. I watched warily as he went to his bedside where cards and flowers piled and he picked up something shiny and golden. He dropped it into my outstretched palm and I stared in disbelief. It was a golden phoenix charm in the same color and make of my London charm. I reached up to take off my charm, which now hung around my neck. I placed the charms together and saw it fit perfectly.

"That fell off in the fire." James whispered, "Do you remember the fire?"

"I've always known I jumped into a burning building," I answered, "Madame got me from Alexis with burns and ash covering me—I just never believed I would jump into burning buildings for _fun_."

James chuckled at this, "Lily," he said in a deep voice, rewrapping his arms around me, "You and I—we thrived on adventure. If jumping into burning building was on our list of adventure we'd do it." He leaned in so close my heart started beating in anticipation, "We were fighting before I even left you the first time." His hand grzzed my cheek, "I was afraid the Death Eaters would take you away from me as bait. I'd do anything for you and they knew it."

I was hearing voices in the back of my head:

"_I can't lose you!"_

_James's deep voice answered back, "And I can't lose you."_

James in real life brought me back with a light kiss on my lips, "I was afraid you'd be killed…and when you disspaeared I never gave up hope. Then Sirius and I saw you in that Tavern and I didn't honestly even think. I just wanted my Lily back. I didn't know about the money or that Dumbledore was being tricked by other people. I just wanted my Lily back."

I murmured, "Why would you leave me?"

James was angry with himself now, "I don't know Lily, but I always felt there was some catch—how could I get the best girl in the world? How could I possibly keep you?" his hands slid on my face, "Then you grabbed onto that Death Eater during the fire and you disappeared." His warm breath washed over my skin, "I thought you were gone forever."

"I'm here." I spoke, leaning on my tip toes, "I believe you."

When our lips touched it didn't matter if I remembered everything about my past, it didn't matter the time spent looking for the past meant finding the future. All that mattered was that James Potter loved me, Lilia, Lily, the girl who put the stars in the sky. James Potter loved me and we'd have each other until time stopped spinning.

James leaned back staring down into my eyes, "Your memory will come back Lily—I'll help you."

"How?" I questioned, "I've been looking at pictures and reading letters and still nothings coming to me."

He placed a hand on my cheek lovingly, "I'll buy us a house, we'll get married, and we'll start the future where the past should have let off." He pressed his lips against mine firmly, "It'll be like none of this ever happened."

"Promise?" I whispered, placing my head on his shoulder, "I'll remember everything again?"

"Like it was yesterday." He promised, "Let's start with me telling you how much I love you."

I put my lips to his ear and whispered in French, "_Je vous aime_." My eyes took in his hazel eyes one more time before kissing him again.

"I love you."

**The End**

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**xxx**


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